Naughty Cooking Tips | Sybaritica

Today’s post definitely falls within the category of : ‘and now for something completely different…’

A couple of weeks ago, Madam Weeble over at Fear No Weebles (a blog I follow and urge you to check out) posted a little piece entitled The Obligatory Search Term Post in which she lamented that none of the search terms bringing people to her site were ‘dirty or really demented’. Getting hits from sexually bizarre search terms is, apparently, a common experience for bloggers, even though their subject is not remotely pornographic, and many have written posts describing the experience.

My WordPress ‘stats’ page lists all the search terms that people have used to find my blog and, thus far, all have been strictly food related. One of the comments to Madam Weeble’s post read: ‘put the words “naked, nude or boner” in your posts and you will see some freaky ass search terms’. This got me thinking… It would, it seems to me, be a very interesting experiment to do a post on, say, useful cooking tips, and work in as many ‘naughty’ words as possible. Now, I realize that this is a totally cheap, not to mention utterly shameless, way to drive up blog ‘traffic’, but it might provide an interesting subject for a post a few months down the road…

By the way, my introductory picture is reproduced with kind permission of Jess over at Naked Vegan Cooking (yes, such a site exists). I very much hope that the picture hasn’t caused any of more sensitive readers to immediately cancel their subscriptions and I should say, before going on, that if naughty words and pictures aren’t your cup of tea, you may wish not to read on…

In order to find some appropriate pictures for this post, I did a Google search of ‘Naked cooking’ and was very surprised to see just how popular this pastime seems to be. Not only did I discover the ‘Naked Vegan Cooking’ blog, I also discovered (and I swear this is true) that it is possible, should you be so inclined, to learn cooking techniques from naked women. No, really… click on the picture featuring phallic asparagus above and it will take you to a site where, for the moderate sum of $6.95 a month, you can receive regular culinary instruction from pretty women who are totally nude!

For the rest of this post, I will be highlighting all the ‘naughty’ tag-words in RED so that you can see which terms I am hoping to bring ‘hits’ on my site. My wife would never forgive me if there wasn’t a NAKED man  somewhere included so… here, Darlene,  is a picture of a PENIS for you. I am sorry that this is not an outrageously humongous DONG (SCHLONG, TALLEYWHACKER,  etc.) but this was the best on-topic picture I could find. If it is any compensation at least, the guy looks serious enough about culinary things to have achieved a semi ERECTION (if not being fully ERECT).

Okay… there is no topical reason for including the picture of Alex (a Naked Vegan Cook) here.  I just happen to find her desperately HOT and I need and excuse to work her (delightful) NIPPLES into my post.  Oh, in point of fairness, I should note that my wife gets the screaming THIGH sweats every time Val Kilmer appears on TV so she is pretty accommodating when I go LIMP-kneed over some unobtainable beauty…

Anyway… Here are my NAUGHTY cooking tips (for whatever they may be worth):

  1. When cooking NUDE, avoid foods that splatter;
  2. For De-BONING a chicken, a fish filleting knife makes a good de-BONER;
  3. Hens make good stock but a Capon (being a young CASTRATED male chicken , or COCK) is much preferred.
  4. Braciola is an Italian delicacy whose PHALLIC rolled-meat appearance gave rise to the use of the name as a slang term for penis, rather like WANG or TUBE-STEAK.
  5. Bull TESTICLES are often served as ‘Prairie Oysters’. The SCROTUM is usually discarded.
  6. If the appearance of clams in the shell makes you think of gaping VAGINA ‘s then close your eyes and just savor the taste

Somebody sent me this pic… It is a good one for this post as it allows me to add SNATCH and SHAVED to my tag-words’ I am not sure what ‘Snatch’ means… PUSSY maybe? BUM just wouldn’t make sense.

Well, anyway… it is disappointing that I couldn’t include terms  like ****, ****, **** , or ************ in this post, but I can only push the premise so far. Accordingly, I am challenging my readers (those of less than fragile sensibilities, at least) to respond with comments that include ‘naughty’ words in a culinary context. Please be more clever (if not more tasteful) than me.

Anyway … keep a look out over the next couple of months. With luck, I may be able to follow up with an interesting look at search terms used to reach my blog…

Oh yeah … ASS of PORK is a kind of RUMP roast.

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